Labyrinths 1: Beer Review -- Natural Daddy

Chilling in my freezer right now sits a can of Natural Daddy, a high gravity offering from the makers of other such American luminaries as Natty Ice and Natty Light. I don't think there's a regular version of Natty -- there is no Natural Lager that I know of or have seen. A shockingly high 69 (hold all applause until the end) rating on Beer Advocate, I procured this beer after my very few single friends backed out of our plans for Valentine's Day, leaving me to repeat a grim annual ritual.

I figure that chilling this concoction to its coldest fluid state is a good move. I hold no expectations for this beer, so if it's in as ideal a state as possible, maybe I can get to a level of intoxication where I won't notice it once it warms up. To further this end, though my roommates are remarking on how cold the apartment is, I am not going to suggest turning the heat on.

So let's throw on some Metallica and tear this place apart.

A note on the presentation of this beer. The can actually says "Natty Daddy" making no pretense on quality. Good, I like a lack of pretension. Oddly, the Annheuser-Busch logo is nowhere to be seen. You can't be telling me that this isn't even good enough for Tony LaRussa? I'll follow by not giving this stuff the dignity of pouring into a glass.

A- peering into the can, lit by my bedroom lamp some eight feet away, it looks like the kind of urine where someone is recovering from a hangover and isn't quite back to hydrated.

S- very sweet, characterless

T- all right, my deep chilling method appears to have paid off! It's definitely on the sweet side. Asphalty in that special way Natty has, but it doesn't seem to have corroded the aluminum in any detectable way. Very bubbly which is good in your mass volume malt beverages and not much of a hint of the 8% ABV. Some dry grass notes makes it downright within shouting distance of refreshing.

M- thin overall, but not water thin which is what I was expecting and the carbonation gives it a pleasant character. Big bubbles, not small ones, from what my tongue can discern.

D- phew, just burped. That was not pleasant. For $1.75, I think you should get at least 8 more ounces of this stuff, but hey, the desperately single on V-Day can't really be that picky.

And now begins the race against time. It is currently 8:17. I reckon I have 8 minutes to drink this before it becomes toxic.

First chug had no major setbacks, though it was a pretty wimpy chug.

8:19 -- ugh, it's already warming up and thinning out. The bubbles did not last long. Only took two big draws because it had so wildly transformed.

8:21 -- o god, this beer is going south in a hurry, chart to follow.

8:22 -- ashen malt flavor becoming apparent, this is truly a race against the clock. The only better music choice than Metallica would have been the soundtrack to 24.

8:23 -- two minutes, my prediction is coming true. I am wondering about the irony of slamming a deeply inexpensive beer while listening to a band talk about how alcohol abuse messed up their lives.

8:24 -- down the hatch, no looking back.

Well I'm still here, feeling the alcohol radiate into my system. It is pretty cold, I'm going to turn the heat on. The taste fell off a cliff then exploded and was eaten by wolves. It was a valuable experience, no doubt, but not one I would overly recommend. If you need to get drunk in a hurry for cheap, just buy a 40, but the Cambridge liquor store I went to was too fancy for any of the finer 40s on the market. SO that wasn't an option.

I have just learned that this is more alcoholic than Mickey's, my preferred get-drunk-quick 40. A list of other popular 40s Natty Daddy has a higher ABV than:

Mickey's
Old English
Hurricane

Thank god, if this was more alcoholic than Camo High-Gravity I would have been very disappointed. It's just barely less alcoholic than Steel Reserve. Truly a drink of kindgs.

A+